Wake Me When It's Through
by espergirl04
Summary: AU. John has seen things, done things, but this is something he would never be absolved of. John/Teyla.


AU as in no Kanaan and no Torren. This is another one that I started last summer and just got around to finishing...it's slightly angsty. Italics are song lyricsand in this fic I used them as breaks between sections but they sort of go along with feelings. All lyrics used are by Rise Against.

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis or the characters

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_Tell me how I'm supposed to feel when all these nightmares become real…_

He looked down at the blood seeping through his fingers, every part of his body completely frozen. He couldn't move. Hell, he'd had blood on his hands before and lots of it. But this time it was different. She was looking up at him, eyes wide. "Colonel…" Her voice was shaky. "John, this was not-"

"Teyla, don't." He couldn't take it. Couldn't take her pity. Couldn't take her understanding. Shit. He couldn't take it. He felt himself lifting his hands away, felt himself pulling back. It was out of his control, he couldn't stop. He had to get out of there, had to get away. He couldn't breath anymore, he was suffocating.

"John," her voice was frantic. Pleading, begging. "John, you must stay." Panicked eyes sought his and her breathing was now coming in needy, painful gasps. "Please John, you must not leave me here." Her hand caught his arm, holding him there. He stared at the sanguine streaks her fingers left as they slid down to wrap around his wrist, anchoring him to the spot.

Taking a deep breath he started to stand, shaking her hand away. "I need to get help. I need…I need to go." It felt as if his voice was coming from another person entirely, all he could focus on was the fact that he had to get as far away from her as he could. "I have to go."

"John, it was an accident. You must stay with me, you can radio for help." Her voice was calm, soothing. But it grated harshly on his nerves. He should be the one that was calming her, not the other way around. She was always like this, always forgiving, he couldn't take it. Couldn't process it. He had to get away. He didn't deserve her forgiveness.

Pushing his urges aside, he tapped his earpiece. "Sheppard here, we have a situation. Get the jumper, _now_." His voice sounded much calmer than he felt.

There was brief silence and then Rodney's voice came through, "I'm almost finished with-"

He snapped. "I said _now_ Mckay, Teyla's injured."

"What?" This time it was Ronon.

"We were under attack. But…it was…" He closed his eyes, saying the words out loud would make it all very real. "She was hit by friendly fire." It came out in a rush and though he hadn't stated it plainly, he knew that Rodney understood.

There was muffled conversation and he assumed that Ronon was asking what John had meant by that and then Rodney's voice came in clear again. "She _what_? No, never mind that, we're on our way."

Kneeling down again, he tried to collect himself. Bleeding. He had to try to stop the bleeding. As he worked he tried to avoid looking at Teyla's face but she was having none of it. "John, look at me. Look at me!" Her voice was firm and insistent, finally he allowed himself to look at her.

Sternly, she held his gaze. "It was not your fault. You had a clear shot and I stepped into it." Beads of sweat had formed on her forehead and she swallowed hard. The fire that had seemed to run through her, that she had needed to snap him out of it, seemed to be wearing thin. Despite the fact that she gave him a reassuring smile he knew that she was unsure. She needed him.

Blood was already beginning to seep through the dressing but there was nothing more he could do. So he took her hand in his hoping to provide some sort of comfort. "Teyla…" She was shaking her head but he went on, "I need to say it." He knew that she didn't want to hear it but said it anyways; besides, the words were more for his benefit than for hers. "I'm sorry."

Teyla nodded, "I know." They were silent for a moment and her grip loosened but it didn't break.

He had to keep calm, he had to. For her. Gently he began to stroke her hair. "You have to stay with me. Just for a little while longer and then Ronon and Rodney will be here and we can get you through the gate and Keller will have you back on your feet in no time. You hear me?"

"Colonel…if I should…if I…" Tears unwillingly began to form in her eyes, "I would like to thank you for being such a good friend to me _and_ my people." She must have noticed the clench of his jaw and the look in his eyes because she reached a hand up and grasped the front of his shirt, bringing him down closer to her. "It is alright, John. It is alright to let me go."

His hands were shaking uncontrollably now and his eyes were beginning to sting but he blinked it away. This was a nightmare, it had to be. He'd seen things before, horrible things. He had done horrible things. Things that kept him up at night, things that he pushed to the back of his memory until they became a distant shadow. But this, this was something that he would never be absolved of.

Teyla's dark lashes rested against her now pale cheeks and he gently squeezed her shoulder, "How am I supposed to let you go? I can't, Teyla, I can't. Please don't ask me to."

Her eyes fluttered open, "It is the last thing I ask of you." As her eyes closed again, he tried to hold back the flood of utter despair.

_As a light turns off inside your heart can you remember what it is to care…_

He heard what other people were saying about him. Including Rodney. And Ronon. John Sheppard was efficient and could get the job done. John Sheppard would take on any mission with a vengeance. The thing was, John Sheppard didn't give a damn about anything and it showed.

Woolsey had tried talking to him and he had gone along with it. But it had been empty, just an exchange of words and what he wanted to hear. He had explained in great detail what had happened because every single detail of the ambush was engrained vividly in his mind.

But it wasn't the details that mattered. What mattered was that it had been _his_ bullet that hit her. Sure he'd shot his other teammates before, not that he was proud of it, but he hadn't exactly been in control of his actions. This time he was. This time he had pointed his gun with a purpose, he had pulled the trigger with a purpose.

Laying on his bed he absentmindedly ran a hand across his chin, rough stubble scratching a gentle reminder that he needed a shave. Things like shaving just didn't seem important anymore. Neither did answering his door for that matter. Ignoring the chimes he figured that whoever it was would move on eventually but he was sadly disappointed when it slid open and Ronon entered. He really needed to start using the lock.

Ronon took one look at him and shook his head. "Have you moved at all today?"

"Yeah. Had to grab something to eat." He tossed the book to the floor; he hadn't really been reading it anyways.

"Huh, I'm pretty sure I didn't see you at lunch." Ronon was looking at him pointedly and John shrugged.

"Didn't want to bother you guys," he said flippantly.

The bed sunk as Ronon threw himself across the bottom. "You need to talk to her." From the tone of his voice, John could tell that it was more than a statement. Basically what Ronon was trying to say that if he didn't talk to her willingly then he would be coerced into it and the coercion would most likely result in pain and suffering on his part.

Good thing for him he was prepared to withstand torture so long as it meant staying as far away from her as was humanly possible. "She doesn't want to see me."

Though he couldn't see Ronon's face from his position, he knew that the Satedan's eyebrows had shot up. "Are you joking, Sheppard?"

"I nearly killed her. What do you think?"

There was an uncomfortable silence for a moment and then Ronon spoke. "Keller had to radio for me and a security team to drag you out of the operating room. You didn't leave her side for days. Then the moment she wakes up you run …it's been a month."

He remembered Keller waiting for them when they arrived, Teyla was unconscious by that time, had been unconscious for a while. The doctor had paled when she saw her and for a moment John had felt a gut wrenching terror that Keller was going to tell them that there was nothing she could do. But it was Teyla and even if there hadn't been anything that could be done Keller would have tried anyways.

John had held her hand on the way to the infirmary and though Keller had yelled at him to get out as she snapped her gloves on, John had stayed. It wasn't long before Keller called for Ronon to drag John forcefully from the room. Even then he hadn't gone far. He'd sat outside the door, head resting on hands still stained with blood, he'd sat there until Keller had finally emerged hours later to tell him the news…both good and bad.

"She's doing better Sheppard. You should talk to her."

"I can't."

"She wants to see you."

The problem was that he didn't want to see her.

_Don't worry I'll be fine…I just don't want this dream, wake me up inside_

He gave in. Rodney and Ronon's glares burning into his back every time they went on missions had progressed from tiring to disconcerting.

Crossing the threshold into her room was one of the hardest things he'd ever had to do and in his life he'd had done a lot of things that he wished he didn't have to. But he knew that she was there and he knew that he would have to face her.

"John!" she stood slowly, painfully. "I was not expecting you," she said it with a smile.

He tried to return it, he honestly tried, but he couldn't quite manage. "Hey." He rubbed the back of his neck, "I uh…I'm sorry that I haven't…that I haven't come to see you. I've been busy and-"

She broke in gently, "I understand."

Except she didn't. She couldn't. Clearing his throat he sat down on the edge of the bed. "Teyla listen, that's not the only thing I'm sorry about. I don't know what I can say to make it better, I mean there's really nothing that I could say…but I'm sorry."

"There is no need to apologize."

"I almost killed you," he stated bluntly.

"But you did not." Her voice was a challenge, one that he didn't accept, and so she continued. "Dr. Keller believes that I will be fully recovered soon."

"If it wasn't for me…"

"John, please." Her voice had a slight bite to it. "Yes, at one point I was angry with you, but I realized from the moment the incident occurred that it was not your intention. These things happen and if I am able to put it behind me, then you should be able to as well."

"I just-"

"Colonel Sheppard, that is enough. If you came only to apologize then you may leave. If there is more I shall appreciate your company."

He knew he should stay. He knew he should talk to her, about anything and everything. The missions they had been on, the missions they were going to go on, the new Transformers movie, anything. But he didn't. He couldn't. And he knew that he was being selfish.

He left anyways.

_It's a burden you've been bearing…_

"What?" he snapped, turning on his heel. Rodney nearly walked into him and Ronon did a side step to avoid colliding with Rodney.

Rodney glanced at Ronon, Ronon tilted his head indicating that Rodney should talk. "Fine. Look, we get it. You accidentally almost killed your teammate in a less trigger happy Starbuck-esque sort of way; you feel guilty, all that stuff. Point is that you not being there for her now, that's what's hurting her."

"I tried to talk to her."

"Yeah, your whole five minute conversation that ended with you walking out on her. Nice Sheppard, very nice."

He turned on them, "Shut up Rodney."

But McKay wasn't ready to back down, "It happened and there isn't anything you can do to change that but instead of hiding from it maybe you should own up to it for a change. Maybe you should accept the fact that yeah, she could have been paralyzed, and yeah, she's in a lot of pain-"

"Not helping McKay," Ronon grunted.

"What I'm saying," Rodney briefly glared at the Satedan, "Is that despite all of that she's forgiven you and if Ford were here he would tell you that shit happens. So stop wallowing in self pity, get over yourself, and be the friend that she needs." He paused, contemplating. "You were her friend, right?"

Leave it to McKay to make him feel like an ass. Of course he'd been her friend, of course he cared about her, it was why things were so damn hard. He cared about her too much, anyone but her and he could have forgiven himself.

Ronon brushed past him, but called back over his shoulder, "All this because you're afraid of losing her, Sheppard, and you don't even realize that you _have_ lost her. It doesn't have to be this way."

He paused. Ronon was right.

Talking to her wasn't going to be happening any time soon, he realized. Squirming, he looked over at Ronon, "Please tell me you can get out of these things."

"I can get out of these things," Ronon said simply.

John groaned, "Really? Or are you just saying that because I told you to."

The grin Ronon shot him made him worry slightly, "There's always a way Sheppard."

Five hours and gallons of sweat later and John looked over at him yet again, "Seriously Ronon, now would be a good time."

Rodney was the one who answered, "He can't get us out unless I can switch off the power on these things."

"And you're telling me this now, Rodney? Really? You could have mentioned something, oh I don't know, say five hours ago," he snapped.

"Oh," the scientist coughed nervously, "I thought I already said that."

"No, that's something you neglected to tell us."

"Well, the way that these restraints are rigged pretty much makes it impossible to escape unless the power source is shut off to demagnetize them," Rodney stated as the slight hum that had filled the room suddenly ceased. "Like that."

John felt the cuffs separate from the wall and a moment later he and his two teammates were lying on the floor.

Trying to figure out how to get the metal cuffs off, John looked over at Rodney, "Why would they turn off the power?"

"They wouldn't," Lorne said, coming into the room, p-90 raised.

"We did," Teyla emerged from behind them.

_Don't hold me up now, I can stand my own ground, I don't need your help now…_

Teyla joined Rodney and Ronon in their jumper, leaving Lorne and his team to their own devices. It was strange, Teyla not riding up front with him as she normally would. Instead Rodney was twisted around in the seat, conversing with her and Ronon while John tried not to think about how weird it was to be back together, the four of them.

"So you're telling me that Keller actually approved this?" Rodney asked.

Laughing, Teyla shrugged, "Of course."

"Of course as in you're one hundred percent better or as in you gave her no choice," Rodney further inquired.

"As in according to Dr. Keller I am ninety-eight percent completely healed. She said that the swelling around the spinal cord has completely diminished and while I may still experience some pain and weakness, that too should go away in time."

From behind him, John heard Ronon say, "That's great news." And from the tone he knew there was a silent, "Isn't it John?" added in.

John didn't say anything, just focused on the flying. It was great news; he just couldn't bring himself to say it. There wouldn't be a need for great news if he hadn't...

"Colonel Sheppard, are you alright?"

He jerked as Teyla's fingers landed lightly on his shoulder, "Wha-yeah, I'm fine. Why?"

She leaned back into her seat and he turned his head to look at her briefly. "Your wrists," she said, "they look painful."

They were red and raw but they looked uglier than they felt. "Not too bad."

Rodney snorted, "Speak for yourself, mine are killing me."

Ignoring him, John glanced back at her again. She was wearing her TAC vest over a simple black halter top and had her hair pulled back into a ponytail, she looked good, normal. "Are _you_ alright?"

"Of course, Dr. Keller would not have let me go otherwise."

"I know, but it's your first day back and all." He knew he was digging himself a hole but he couldn't stop himself.

"And I allowed Major Lorne and his team to do most of the work," she said, her tone still light.

He grunted, "Still, rescue missions don't always go smoothly."

"I do not believe that any mission is guaranteed to go smoothly, besides, it seemed appropriate for me to offer my assistance in helping my former team members."

Did she just say—"Former?"

There was complete silence in the jumper and finally Teyla said, "You made it fairly clear that I was no longer part of your team."

"Where the hell did you get that idea?" he snapped. This was completely ridiculous.

She scoffed, "Maybe because you did not speak to me for months? Let alone tell me what has been happening on missions and you certainly never talked to me about my return. Major Lorne on the other hand told me that he had an open position on his team."

"See I _knew_ that you had issues with me," he hissed.

"I forgave you, you are the only one who has a problem!"

John was ready to retort but Ronon cut in, "Guys, seriously? This isn't the time to discuss it."

Teyla and John silenced themselves, fuming inwardly. John realized that he and Teyla had pretty much sounded like his parents always had, a constant back and forth of placing blame that solved absolutely nothing.

As they exited the jumper bay, John stopped her, "Teyla, wait." The look she gave him wasn't exactly pleasant and he grimaced, he deserved it.

"Colonel Sheppard, I do not wish to discuss it at this time," Her words were formal and curt and she turned to go.

He couldn't let her walk away. "Listen, I'm sorry," he held out his hands, urging her to wait for him to finish, "Not for the uh, incident, I get it, I've apologized enough. I'm sorry for being a complete idiot." She stopped. "And I'm sorry that I haven't been there for you." He wasn't sure how to say what he needed to say, but he tried. "I can't…lose you."

"John, you will not lose me," she said.

"You asked me to let you go."

Her expression softened, "I will never ask that of you again."

They stood for a moment in silence before he said, "So, Lorne offered you spot on his team?"

"Yes, he knew that we were not exactly on speaking terms."

John nodded, "I might have to go have a little talk with him."

Teyla shoved him slightly as they fell into step together, "You will do no such thing."

For the first time since the incident, things felt normal.

_So wake me when it's through…_

There weren't many options. Ronon was unconscious and Rodney wasn't exactly a sniper. He would let Teyla handle it except somehow during the fight she had been disarmed and the slightest movement on her part would cause the knife being held against her throat to press into her.

He kept talking, "Look, just let her go."

"You have injured my men and threatened to kill me!"

"Well that's because you were trying to kill us and can I just remind you that one of my guys is injured too, so maybe if we all just put down our weapons we can figure this out."

The man snapped, "Enough talking! Now put _your_ weapon down."

He could do this, he had to do this. But he didn't. Teyla saw his hesitation and understood. "John," a trickle of blood appeared but she continued, "John, you will not lose me."

"If you refuse to put your weapon down then you will certainly lose her, so what are you-"

Teyla moved to stand beside John as the man let her go with a shriek of pain. She surveyed the damage, "Excellent shot, Colonel."

"You've killed me!"

John grimaced, "I haven't, you'll live. But if I e_ver_ see you again I can't promise anything."

Rodney started to help Ronon up and John helped him before turning to Teyla. "Are you okay?"

"I am fine, and you?" Her question was weighted. She had seen the look in his eyes, the way he had frozen.

It was over now. "Good, I'm good. Now let's get out of here."

After they made it back to Atlantis and Dr. Keller had cleaned the shallow cut on Teyla's neck, John walked her back to her room. They stood at the door and Teyla looked at him expectantly. "Was there something else?"

He tried to gather his courage, "Sort of. I wanted to tell you, I just want to say…"

She shook her head, "I told you John, you will not lose me."

That wasn't exactly where he had been going and she seemed to sense that there was more. He rubbed the back of his neck, "The reason that I…" he cleared his throat, "I'm glad you're back on my team." He finished lamely.

Teyla raised her eyebrows, "I do not believe that is what you were going to say."

She was going to make this hard on him. "Okay, it wasn't. I don't know how to say it exactly, just that I…I care about you." It was the best that he could do, emotions? Not his thing.

He felt her arms slide around his neck and he reflexively pulled her into a hug. "I know. When you are ready, I will be here."

He was ready, had been ready. "I told you before that mission," he murmured into her hair, "I can't go through that again."

"Have your feelings changed since then?" she asked, her body pressing up against his.

Of course they hadn't, he loved her, would always love her. He had told her that morning, before they left. Finally saying it had felt surprisingly good and then to almost lose her…it would have been his fault. The past months had felt like a bad dream, but now, standing there with her he felt awake again. "We're okay now, right?"

Standing on her toes, she kissed his cheek, "Yes, we are okay."

He couldn't say it again, not yet, but Teyla knew how he felt and for the moment it would have to be enough.

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Hope you enjoyed it!


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